22 Tips for Parents

22 Tips for Parents
(www.islamicshool. net)

What does it take for parents to get a teen to become a
practicing Muslim?

After talking to parents, Imams, activists and Muslims who
have grown up in the West to ask what are some practical things
parents can do to help Muslim teens maintain their Deen. These are
some of their suggestions:

Tip #1: Take parenting more seriously than you would a
full-time job

This means both parents must understand their children are a
trust from Allah, and He will ask how they were raised. If the
children do not grow up practicing Islam because of their parents'
negligence, it is not going to be pretty in this life or the next.

Tip #2:Reduce or change work hours and exchange them for time
with the family

It is better to have one full-time job, fewer luxuries in the
house (i.e. more cars, expensive clothes, a bigger, fancier home) and
more time with the family, than many material things and absent
parents. This goes for mothers AND fathers. Parents can't instill
values in their children if they just aren't there, period. Quit that
extra job on the weekends or in the evenings and instead drive the
kids to the mosque for Halaqas and activities instead. Or consider
switching shifts at work so that you're home when the kids are.

Tip #3: Read the Quran, understanding its meaning, for five
minutes every day

Just five minutes. Whether it's in the car during a traffic
jam, early morning after Fajr, or right before you go to bed, read the
Quran with a translation and/or Tafseer. Then watch the snowball
effect. You will, Insha Allah, reconnect with Allah, and in the long
run, develop into a role model helping your whole family, not just
your teen, reconnect with Him too.

Tip #4: Attend a weekly Halaqa

Trade playing cards or watching television on Sunday
afternoons for a Halaqa. If you don't have something already in place
during that time slot, help the Imam to set one up. Attend it
vigilantly. The added bonus of this is that when children see their
parents striving to learn about Islam, they will in many cases be
encouraged to do the same.

Tip #5: Respect your teen

Respecting your teen means not treating them like inept
babies, but like maturing adults, not talking down to them or
humiliating and insulting them. It means involving them in useful
activities around the home and seeking their opinions on matters of
importance.

Tip #6: Take an interest in what they do

Does Noor play hockey in an all-girls' sports league? Attend
Noor's games as regularly as possible. Does Ihsan collect stamps? See
if you can find old letters from your parents in Malaysia or Lebanon
and pass the stamps on them to her. Does Muhsin love building
websites? Visit his site, post a congratulatory e-mail on the message
board and offer some suggestions for the site. Give him a book on
advanced web design as Eid gift.

Tip #7: Be aware of problems and address them straightforwardly

As you spend more time with your teen, you will be more able
to sense if there is something bothering them. Don't brush this
feeling under the carpet. Address it straight on. But don't do this in
the family meeting or n in front of others. Do it during the next tip.

Tip #8: "Date" your teenager

While dating is commonly associated with boy-girl social
meetings, the concept can be extended to any meeting between two
people wanting to get to know each other better.

It's especially important to "date" your children on an
individual level once they hit their teens because they are no longer
just "one of the kids". They are young adults who need attention and
guidance on an individual level. You can go out on a "date" when
Sumayya graduates from high school (instead of going to the prom),
when Ahmed gets his driver's license or if you feel there is something
bothering them and you want to address them alone.

Tip #9: Don't just be your teen's parent, be his or her partner

Making them a partner means giving them responsibilities
within the family. Get 16 year old Amir, who just got his driver's
license, to help his mom with grocery shopping on Saturday's; get 15
year old Jasmine, who loves flowers, to be responsible for the garden
and mowing the lawn. This way, teens will feel a part of the family,
included and needed.

Tip #10: Build a Masjid in your home

Delegate a room, part of the basement or the living room as
the home Masjid. You can do this for less than $25.

Make this Masjid entirely the responsibility of the kids. Get
the eldest to be in charge and to delegate responsibilities for
younger siblings. Responsibilities include keeping the Masjid clean,
waking people up for Fajr, calling the Adhan, etc.

Tip #11: Don't practice "men's Islam"

That means don't exclude wives or daughters from prayers. When
the men are praying in Jamaah, make sure the women are either behind
them or also praying in congregation. Make sure the Imam recites the
prayer loud enough for the women to hear if they are in another part
of the house. Also, encourage women to pray in Jamaah if there are no
men present.

Tip #12: Establish an Islamic library and choose a librarian

Equip your home with an Islamic library with books, video and
audio cassettes about various aspects of Islam, catering to everyone's
age and interests. If 13-year-old Bilal likes adventure novels, for
example, make sure you have a couple of Islamic adventure books

Get one of your teens to be the librarian. S/he keeps
materials organized and in good condition. Any requests for materials
to be added to the collection have to go through him or her. Give this
librarian a monthly budget for ordering new books, cassettes, etc.

Tip#13: Take them out.....to Islamic activities

Instead of a fancy dinner at a restaurant, save your money to
take everyone out to the next Muslim community dinner or activity.
Make a special effort to go to events where other Muslim teens will be
present and the speaker caters his/her message to this crowd.

It's also important to regularly take Bilal and Humayra to
Islamic camps and conferences where they will meet other Muslim kids
their age on a larger scale.

Tip #14: Move to a predominantly Muslim neighborhood in your city

Ideally, this should be near the mosque. This step is
necessary if you want to surround your kids with other Muslim children
of more or less the same age on a daily basis.

Tip #15 : Help teens start their own youth group

After living in a Muslim neighborhood and attending Islamic
activities regularly, teens in many cases will develop a friendship
with other Muslims their age. Don't let this end here.

Help them establish a youth group, not just to learn about
Islam, but to go to the amusement park together, go swimming, etc.
Have meetings at members' houses on a weekly or bimonthly basis. Get
this group involved in useful work like cleaning up litter around the
Masjid or visiting senior citizens' homes.This group must have
parental supervision, although teens' decision-making powers should
not be interfered with unless really necessary.

Tip #16: Establish a TV-free evening and monitor TV watching
in general

Parents' biggest competitor for their children's attention is
the T.V. Sound Vision's unTV guide. Monitoring what everyone watches
simply means taking care to remind and help everyone avoid shows which
depict sex, violence and encourage unIslamic activities. Put up a list
of acceptable and unacceptable shows on the wall beside the T.V.

Establishing TV-free evenings means having one evening of the
week when no one, adult, teen or child is allowed to watch television.
Hopefully, this is a first step towards general TV reduction in the
home. This is an ideal time to have the next tip.

Tip #17: Have weekly family meetings

The purpose: to find out what is going on in everyone's lives
and to consult the family on important issues. Hanan started attending
a Halaqa, Imran just returned from a Muslim youth camp, Bilal aced the
last algebra test. The point is not to just give this news in point
form. It's to elicit discussion and communication between everyone,
and to keep up-to-date about what is going on in everyone's life,
which gets harder when kids become teenagers.

This is also the place to consult the family and decide on
major issues affecting everyone: a move to another city; a marriage of
one of the family members; difficulties with a bully in school, etc.

Please note: Shura in the family does not mean a majority vote
determines what to do about a situation. While the parents remain in
charge, teens and younger children voice opinions and suggestions
parents will consider in making a final decision about a matter.

Tip #18: Have "Halal Fun night" once a month

"Fun is Haram" is a joke sometimes heard amongst Muslim youth,
mocking the attitude of some Muslims for whom virtually anything
enjoyable is automatically labeled Haram (forbidden).

Islamic entertainment is a much neglected area of Muslim
concern. Islamic songs, skits, etc. are a viable tool for the
transmission of Islam. Maybe 16-year-old Jameel knows how to play the
Duff, while his sister Amira, 14, can write and sing well. Let them
present their own Islamic song to the whole family. Or have
12-year-old Ridwan recite some of his best poetry. Make one of the
teens in charge of this event. Help them establish a criteria of
acceptable and unacceptable Halal entertainment.

Tip #19: Provide the right role models-What would Abu Bakr
have done?

Apart from being a role model yourself by trying to practice
Islam, make sure you provide teens with reading material about the
Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and his Companions
(Sahaba), both the men and the women. Otherwise, the characters on the
programs your kids watch on television may become their "Sahabas".

Discuss what a Companion may have done in a situation relevant
to teens' lives. What would Abu Bakr Siddiq do if he saw a someone
selling answers to the grade 11 math final exam? What would Aisha have
done is she was confronted with the opportunity to cheat her parents?

Tip #20: Read books on Positive Parenting

These can be books written by Muslims, but even books by
non-Muslims can help. However, just be ready and make sure you are
able to identify what is Islamically acceptable versus what is not.

Tip #21: Get them married early

The societies of the West are permeated by sex: on TV,
billboards, on the streets, buses, in movies, etc. A Muslim teenager
facing this is in a tough position: succumb to the temptations or try
really, really hard not to. Getting them married early (check out some
tips for parents) will ease the pressure, and they don't have to stop
their studies to do this. Remember, as a parent you will also be
partly responsible if your son or daughter wanted to marry, you
stopped them and they ended up having sex outside of marriage. You
should also remember when undertaking this step not to force your son
or daughter to marry someone they do not like.

Tip #22: Last but not least-Make Dua

Make Dua. It is really Allah who guides and misguides, but if
you've done your job as a parent, Insha Allah, keeping your teen a
practicing Muslim will be easier to do than if you had neglected this
duty. As well, make Dua for your teen in front of them. This reminds
them how much you love them and your concern for them.